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Betrayal Cake and Candy

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For Amanda
Discarded on the side of the road, found next to a child's lost shoe, the detritus of our lives, just kicked aside, stomped on, smashed. Actually, this looks a lot like how my heart feels right now. Abandoned, stomped, crushed and smashed. In this edit the road looks sorta like cake, and the glass like candy - that's how my heart is to other people, a play thing, a sweetmeat that you eat, throw the wrapper away, and discard. I am discarded, all the time. But this time, this time i will cut, like broken glass. This time i will hurt back, i will make someone else's heart bleed. I am tired of being stomped on. It isn't fair that i'm always the one hurt, that i'm always the one who gets discarded, that i'm always the one who must stay silent. I will be silent no more, i will let all my secrets out, and now, instead of my heart being discarded candy wrappers, it will cut like broken glass, shoved into the heart of those who hurt me. Even tho i begged her, even tho i told her, even tho she promised me she wouldn't be like the others, in the end i was discarded, but now the discard will be like broken glass you step on barefoot. She will bleed, like i am bleeding from self-inflicted wounds all over my body. 

You found me, an emotionally fragile, clinically depressed, mentally unstable, brain damaged person, and you said you wanted to help me.  You said you were a fixer. I should've known right there to run away, right? coz no one can "fix" anyone else. Especially when successive people have befriended you, then stomped on your heart until it was like broken glass. But she promised me she would always be there for me, she would always be my friend, she wouldn't be like the other friends who had hurt me so very badly that i bleed from successive open self-inflicted wounds.  

I warned her that one of the reasons i don’t have many friends is because when i get stressed, i will write emails and say terrible things. I mean, email already makes you feel anonymous, but the filter between the conscious and unconscious mind in people with Traumatic Brain Injuries is broken, as is the part of the brain that helps you manage your emotions. So, when a person with a TBI gets emotional and/or tired, and the pain gets bad, they will say - or write - things that normally no one would say out loud. You know, all those thoughts you have in your unconscious, wanting to tell off the receptionist at your doctor’s office, or silly suspicions you might have about your spouse, or horrible things that no one ever shares.  Well, we will share them. I’m already very emotional, and sensitive, i’ve been diagnosed with Depression and an Anxiety Disorder, i’m all alone in my house, i keep these weird hours because of my Sleep Displacement Syndrome, so i have no one to talk to, no one to talk me down from crazy thoughts, and a very creative mind that all of a sudden is dreaming horrible scenarios, or thinking terrible things about other people, and then i write them in an email and send it off. It’s like I lose my mind (well, it’s not like that, i have lost my reason before, in short spurts, and have done property damage, or self-harmed). I mean, i am brain damaged, okay, i am the definition of a brain damaged person. A few days later my Anxiety settles down, and my reason returns, and i re-read the email and i’m like “omg, i can’t believe i sent that,” and i try to contact the person to apologize.

I told her all about that, but she said “i will always be able to forgive you, unless you hurt one of my kids or something, and i don’t know, maybe even then” - which she said to me on more than one occasion. She said that i was her bestie, that she loved me, and then she stomped on my heart like broken glass. She threw me under the bus, and oh, that place is familiar enough to me, but she made me all kindsa promises, and so did i, and she thinks that even tho she broke all her promises to me, that i won't break my promises to her.  But she's wrong.  

Now, the broken glass of my heart will cut back. I won't stay silent, i will speak all the secrets i know. Yes, there will be consequences. One of the consequences will be that, when people look at my heart, instead of seeing a label that says "go ahead and befriend me, i'm nice, and sweet, and even if you hurt me i'll just take it and remain nice and won't do anything about it, if you make me promises and go back on them, don't worry, i will always keep my promises no matter how much you hurt me, coz i'm a dumb sucker who lets people hurt her over and over."  That label has made so many people feel comfy enuff to kick me and kick me and kick me.  But now, the label on my heart will say "please befriend me, i am nice, and sweet, but if you betray me, i will cut you, like broken glass, i will be catty, and horrible, and hiss and fang and claw you. Befriend me, please, but do not betray me. Do not make me promises you can't keep. Do not think if you break your promises to me that i'll keep my promises to you. If you are nice, i will be nice back, if you betray may, you will see that i can be a wicked bitch if i want to."

Another consequence will be a change in my aura.  Now, if i were to say "if you betray me, i will do terrible things to you" people would laugh. They'd think "oh, she's so sweet, i bet she's never hurt anyone." But now, people will think "oh crap, i bet this girl can be one wicked bitch if she wants to be." Another consequence will be that she will probably lose her job, at the very least her work life will become hell, she'll never make manager. If she's fired, she'll either have to find another job or move back in with her parents, who will say "i told you so, i told you you couldn't make it on your own," and they'd be right. Because, listen, you don't befriend psychologically unstable, brain damaged people and then betray them one month later, you just don't do that. First of all, it's wrong, and secondly, it's dangerous. I mean, what does she expect? I wrote her one of those horrible texts that i write, so she knows i can be crazy. And oh, she thought she was soooo forgiving, but after i wrote that text, she won't speak to me any more. She won't answer my texts or my emails. Does she really think i'm just gonna protect her secret after she lied to me, broke all her promises to me, stomped on my heart? My mind is racing, thinking dark thoughts. I am brain damaged, when things like this happen i can't think of anything else, and this time, i am thinking that i need to break the silence. I'm tired of being labeled an easy mark. I am writing down all the secrets  i know, and i will send them to the person who can spread my hurt around the most. 

I am like my cat, Rocky. If you pet him, he loves it, but if he rolls over on his back, that means to stop, if you don't, he will cut you. If you betray me, i will cut you. I am broken glass. So, that's it bitches, fuck off if you're not going to back up your love, if you will truly be my bestie, that's amazing, but don't think you can kick me to the curb and that i'll stay there. I won't. I will get up, and i will do terrible, terrible things. 

Please Stop Hurting Me by KittenDiotima          Melting Heart by KittenDiotima             Bloody Torture by KittenDiotima

       DARK PRINCESS: gender dysphoric girl by KittenDiotima       Mask of Tears by KittenDiotima         Dark Heart by KittenDiotima   
  

Image size
3648x2736px 5.54 MB
Make
Canon
Model
Canon PowerShot G12
Shutter Speed
1/40 second
Aperture
F/4.5
Focal Length
25 mm
ISO Speed
100
Date Taken
Jun 22, 2015, 7:27:35 PM
Sensor Size
7mm
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